Everybody wants a village...

 

So this week I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship and connection. And how so many of my clients have talked about how important it is to them and how much they’re lacking it.

Making friends as a kid was so much easier. You were forced into a room with a bunch of other kids and you had to make it work. Friendship by proximity, and by bonding over some really hard teenage years full of acne, awkward blunders in front of crushes, and some dodgy fashion choices.

But then you get older. Those friendships start to fade. People begin relationships and drift off, they make friends with their work colleagues and it becomes harder and harder to arrange catch ups. Some friends become parents and others childfree. You send messages that are left on ‘read’, and sometimes you find yourself alone after making plans where no one showed up.

And now that we’ve all experience a collective world trauma, we’ve learnt to distrust each other. We saw people break the rules, express opinions we didn’t agree with, and the rise of social media and technology meant that we could stay at home and watch Netflix, and browse our friends lives through our phones, without ever once having to talk in person.

Does this resonate?

I get it because I did it myself. My twenties were full of being social and attending events, and after covid, the last thing I wanted to do was leave the house. Work took most of my energy, and my chronic illness took all the rest. It’s hard to be social and be there for your friends when you feel exhausted and drained all the time.

But then I realised how grey life had become. Sleep, work, eat, sit on the couch, repeat. Doom scroll on your phone and compare your boring life to other people’s more ‘exciting’ ones. And I decided, fuck it. I didn’t want that grey life anymore. I love my hermit days, I love being alone, but I also wanted a life full of colour and fun, and I knew I wasn’t going to get it by doing the same thing every day.

So I started looking up free events in the city and forcing myself to attend them. I started going to shops, café’s, markets alone, and forced myself to chat to the strangers around me. Yeah, it absolutely sucked at first, but the more I did it, the easier it became. I started saying yes to things that sounded interesting, and when I met someone I liked and could see myself having a friendship with, I’d ask them for their number/ Instagram and invite them out for coffee. Some people said yes, which was amazing (!!) and some people said no. But rather than dwell on it and think about all my horrible qualities that made them not want to be my friend, I shrugged my shoulders and moved on. It clearly wasn’t meant to be.

And then it was all about being consistent. Recognising that if you wanted to build connections and friendships, you have to maintain them. Truly listening to people and what they have to say, not just wait for your turn to speak. Becoming comfortable with things being awkward at first but also still showing up. Not waiting for the other person to make plans but doing it yourself! And if they can’t come, well then going anyway.

There’s a common phrase going around lately, that everybody wants to be in a village but nobody wants to be a villager. And yeah, I relate to that saying. Which is why I’ve made it my mission to build a village. And that means I have to keep showing up and being a villager, even when its hard. Because it definitely is hard, balancing work, life, fibromyalgia and friends as well. And I'm not saying I'm great at it. I'm still learning and making mistakes, but I'm also trying to be honest rather than hiding away from shame. And genuinely, it's so incredibly worth it. Because the people I’ve met, the events I’ve attended, they are colouring my life in ways that I didn’t have a few years ago. And it’s why I wanted to write this post today.

When we’re stressed and feeling low, it’s easy to hide away and pretend the world doesn’t exist, and that it would be better off without us. But that couldn’t be further from the truth, you’re just seeing the world through a haze of grey.

Working with my clients during hypnotherapy, we talk about what’s been good in their lives. How to start making connections, to start interacting with other people and start doing things you’ve been putting off through fear. And it’s absolutely incredible watching a client who’s afraid of talking to people, practise saying hello to strangers one week, then having a conversation with their local barista the next, to then attending local gigs and having an amazing time just a month later.

So have a real think about your life and whether it feels grey or colourful. Do you encourage the friendships and connections in your life, or have you let them drift off and are now filled with loneliness? It’s never too late to start building your village, and take it from me, it’s absolutely worth it!

🌻 Dee 

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